Infatuation or Obsession

It's hard to tell what I feel. Is it possible to have enough love for two people. 

My feelings for you have not diminished nor have they faded. I still love you with all my heart, when I dream there you are, when I want I think of you. But when I'm with him it's almost the same, I never want our time to stop. When I'm with him it's almost like the beginning with you. 

Maybe it's the newness of the thing, something I have yet to find out. With you I have the comfort of familiarity, with him I have the landmines of guessing. 

I had a dream where I had lost my glasses going swimming, and I picked up someone else'. The pair were crooked and one of its arms was the wrong way around. But I could still see with them, they were my grade. And all I could think of was that I hoped the person found my glasses in exchange.

I Want So Many Things

This is going to be one of those annoying girl posts.

I want so many things. To hold you. To be with you. To have the ability to kiss you. 

There's a quote like that, it goes something like

 'I don't wish to kiss you. To kiss you would be the end. For if I kiss you I may find myself unable to stop. Kissing you would become a habit and I never can break habits.'

 That is how I feel. Once I start I will not stop until every fiber of your being was mine. I would not stop until the only name you could utter was mine. I would not stop until the only person you could love would be me. But you don't deserve a monster, I will keep that moment with me and adore you from afar. 

I kissed a boy and I liked it. The end.

I Had A Weird Dream

It was the end of the world.

We were running house to house, all of them were empty and expensive. We had to rest eventually, I counted my team. My older sister all she had with her was her backpack of supplies and a pencil case full of her teaching materials. My little sisters with their smaller backpacks. My cousin who was eating something out of a can. And my grandmother who was trying her best to rest in the dining room. 

The end of the world was different from how people imagined it, there were no zombies and no Christians flew into the sky. The sky would not have approved. The sky rained fire from the clouds, fire and lightning storms. The cloud would travel along with us, at the moment it was directly behind us and we had two choices, stay inside and hope the house would protect us or keep trying to outrun the cloud of destruction. I chose to stay in the house, my little sister thought I was insane. We move faster than that cloud does, let's go she said. I just looked at our grandmother and that shut her up. But the moment the cloud was overhead I knew I had made the wrong decision. The lightning struck right through the roof and scorched the floor. We ran.

We ran away from the cloud and into Scrapper territory. Scrappers were the looters and gangs that harassed the survivors and took what they want. They were downhill in the valley and the cloud was coming in fast. My older sister dropped her pencil case and pens rolled everywhere. I picked one up and handed it to her, shove this into their throat if one of them get's close. It turned out my advice wasn't needed, the only Scrappers there were two women sitting in a Humvee. We crouched and ran away from the camp and made our way uphill to the top. There was a step water fall and I climbed up, my grandmother followed suit. But instead of going straight up the waterfall I chose to go right and kept climbing, the water here was slower making it easier to climb. The next thing I know we're in an airship soaking wet.

When the end began people took to the seas and the sky and we had just stumbled on one of the very first to fly. It was a giant, bigger than anything I've ever seen. We walked through the worker bay and no one gave us a second glance. Through the door we made it to the lobby. There were so many people, it was amazing and jaw-dropping after only having my family for company the past few weeks. Adults walked arm in arm while children ran in between and children in school uniforms walked with their noses buried in their books. We chose to store our bags in the workers bay to attract less attention. I walked up to the concierge and tried not to look out of place with my wet hair and clothes and took a pamphlet they had on the desk. 

We were on a cruise ship, everything on earth could be found on the ship. I read through the pamphlet and found they offered jobs and education. I walked back to my family and took it upon myself never to alert the staff that we were stowaways. We were safe on the airship if the pilot could always avoid the cloud and I didn't want to be thrown back out. I grabbed my cousin and tried to look like we were on a stroll while we investigated the school. I let my older sister take charge with the other group to try and find accommodations. 

They were divided by age and by their taken education. I found where my little sisters had to go but how to enroll them. We got an enrollment slip and started filling it out for my little sisters and I bumped into an old friend. It was Mike and I tried to get Mike to help us. How did he get on the ship? Where did he live and how did he know where to go? How do we survive? He didn't remember me. 

We had enrolled my little sisters and made our way back to the lobby. They had found the living quarters. It looked like a long corridor of hotel rooms, the plan was to find one that was empty and claim it. But before we could find one I saw Drestel walking arm in arm with a girl I didn't recognize, Drestel and Mike weren't particularly rich, they must have found a way to stay. We had found a room, retrieved our bags and settled in. I had walked out just to find more food, my little sisters had raided the mini fridge, and I bumped into my old RA ate Karen. My hair had dried out and I looked like a girl getting ready to hit the arcade, but ate Karen was so surprised to see me she immediately took me on a tour. She had special access because she worked on the ship. She brought me to the compaction area and showed me how the trash was compacted and then used to run the ship. I asked for a job then and there.

I started crying the moment ate Karen couldn't see me, I had done it. I saved my little sisters, they were going to finish school and we were going to be safe until this all blew over. I was crying and crying because I missed our parents, I cried because I didn't even know if they were still alive. I cried because I missed all of the other people I loved and couldn't save. I cried the most because I did not save Darren, if he was dead what would I do? I stopped crying, because it was impossible that he would be dead. He joined an organization for this very reason, they would save him, and I would see him again. And we would get married like we promised. 

I found a convenience store and nicked a few things and went back to our room, we would live.

Llamas

So today I had to wake up super early and go to school to get me some classes. Enlisting in those classes though is hard, like butt-wipe hard.

But before I could go and experience this butt-wipe hard enlisting I had to settle my accountabilities. I actually only had one but they wanted a lot of things before that. It's because I don't have a Philippine issued birth certificate, so I have all these papers that say I am a Filipino and yes I exist. So I popped right on down to the Office of Admissions and showed them my "I Exist Therefore I Can Enroll Certificate" and poof I was eligible.

After that I had to go line up at the Biology Pavilion because ta-dee-fucking-dah I didn't have a major ergo I needed to get one. So there I am walking, it's a beautiful day and I'm minding my own business already composing a mental to-do list. It was still really early though so no one else was walking with me on that sidewalk, just me and a bunch of illegally parked cars. I'm walking and I see one of the empty cars has its window way open so immediately I think "poor guy's gonna get robbed". But I keep walking and when I pass the car, I see out of my peripheral vision that there's a man in the car. He was lying down and masturbating.

He was masturbating.

In an untinted car.

With the window open.

On school campus.

And because I have no idea what the potatoes I was supposed to do I just kept on walking and reached the Biology Pavilion. I think I was so shell-shocked that I had to look around and only then did I realize I was already where I wanted to go. Then because I was scarred for life my brain supplied encouraging thoughts.

The building is named LLAMAS HALL. Like llamas, llamas. I then spent the next two minutes laughing about llamas.

Day Two Of Scary Writing In My Head

Maybe one day I'll compile all of these notes to myself and donate it to a library.

There will come a day where the children of our children's children can do nothing but watch as the world they live in drowns in the floodwaters of our time and anything left dry and unsubmerged burns in the noon day sun. And the night will not bring the cool breezes of the sea but rather the mournful sounds of the people who chose not to believe. And those children left to laugh and play and be children will have nothing else to see but the smog-gray sky over the flat expanse of burning water.

Creepy Stuff

The creepiest thing happened to me yesterday morning. I woke up at 6 AM, got up and went to take a shower. That's not the creepy part, the creepy part is that the moment I got out of bed I started reciting poetry. And I couldn't stop. The words rhymed and I couldn't stop until the first stanza was done. I could that there was more.

Taking a shower, ticking off on the mental to-do list when the second stanza comes pouring out. And again I can't cut myself off. The poem is getting darker and darker and I'm just hoping that the poem will end.

I recite the last stanza loud enough to wake my room mate. When it's finally over, the poem edits itself. It changes the last line from Wake no more to Forever more.

Little one little one,
Please cry no more.
You are safe here.
Your eyes on the door.
Your back to the wall.
Your feet on the floor.
Little one little one,
Please cry no more.

Little one little one,
Please sigh no more.
You are happy here.
Your hand on the door.
Your face to the ground.
Your back to the whip.
Little one little one,
Please sigh no more.

Little one little one
Please wake no more
You will stay here.
Your hands by your side.
Your back to the spread.
Your eyes to the night.
Little one little one,
Forever more.

-The Whisperer 

I searched it online. It doesn't exist. So either I wrote it without me knowing it or.....

 

Wow I'm Old

It's been a while my little blog. I've missed you. Of course I only get on this blog when I'm getting melancholy   or angry so it's pretty good that I haven't been seeing your cursor fly off on the screen in a while. So hey. Let's get on with the blogging.

I'm in college, didn't think I had it in me. I have been taking my classes and I have been doing okay. I don't know what I was expecting though. Well I do, I was expecting my life to be awesome for everyone to be awesome. I was expecting something better than what I have right now.

When I started college I had a boyfriend and an adoptive cousin and a plan to make it big.

My boyfriend now spends more time with his org and at his tambayan than he does with me. I don't know if I even have the right to ask him for more time. And I know it's no use asking him to change or to choose, because what's the point of getting into a relationship if you're going to ask them to change. I like the way he is, was, because the org is now a part of him. A part I can't change.

My cousin will and always be a jerk. He's getting nicer, I think having friends who are meaner than him is making him nicer. He has no idea. I try and I try and he has no idea how hard he's hurting me. And I know I should stop expecting anything else from him. But we've known each other for thirteen years, you think that that changes something. That knowing and being with someone makes you special. Maybe it does. But I'm not special to him. And maybe that's all we want in life, to be special, different from all others. But I'm not special, not to him. To the only person I could possibly hope to be special to, thank you for putting up with me. I know I'm not special but thank you for putting up with me, even if to you I'm just like any other person.

Life is the same.

I fainted in church the other day. I started getting short of breath and thought I was having an asthma attack. I got a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach that stopped me from singing the hymns. I started getting dizzy and couldn't stand when Father asked me to. I couldn't get in line for communion from the blood rushing in my ears. I stumbled my way to the bathroom outside hoping that air would help me, the lack of hearing made me retreat back inside, back to my pew and my family. Each step made my eyesight flicker, it was like watching tv with no cable, the way everything blurred and how it would go black every other second. I remember making acquaintances with a cool concrete wall at one point of my stumbling back. I saw my pew and hobbled past my cousins. I remember being carried into the car and people urging me to keep my feet up and my back straight. It was so cold, I know that's cheesy, but that's all I can remember. The voices were so far away and I was so cold and my fingers and didn't bend because it was cold.

And that is how I first found out what it would be like to be afraid for your life. And I may be anemic.

That will be all.