Really Just Sad Right Now

I may have just had a really sad look at my life. And I'm going to make my mother happy. Even if that's the last thing I'll ever do.

French Fry Induced Insomnia

So in my last post it seems that I tried to make this about my anger. But I'm a naive and innocent goldfish at heart, so I forgive and forget and just repeat the process when I feel like a retard. So right now it's 1:25 in the morning and ok I'm only really up because my cousins bought me a happy meal for courage. Tomorrow is another exam day, mostly mental whacked questions about major influences on your life and whether or not you like pie for example. I like pie, though no one's ever made me one.

Enough about pie, just a little update maybe today.

So Ducky is large and in charge now a days. But I like it that way, he knows what he's doing, he has goals. While I like watching and reading and mumbling to myself and my imagination. But the nice thing is he's.... I mean we're.... Yeah... How many dot dot dots are you allowed in one line?

I'm normal now to say the least, not as depressed as before, but I sometimes dream of breaking rocks between my dainty little fingers while fires burn in the dead of the night. Either that or dream about boys, or fish, or fish that speak Japanese. Wait, it was a bird. Yeah. The bird was the one that spoke Japanese.

I also write, or at least have imaginary conversations with the people in real life and then change the names and write it down. The most recent numbers show, I have 24 pending stories. Some more suited to the 9-12 section others long psychotic drivel meant to compensate for any other lack of life I may not show.

So now there's the siren breaking the peace of the night, police, ambulance, fire engine, the whole shebang. Wonder who's gonna wake up tomorrow after a sleepless night with their whole life in shambles. At times like this, deep down you're just glad it's not you.

Good day to you gentleman, I retire to my hamburger. May the day be good to you all.

I wonder how long I can keep this up all this interesting writing, all the beginnings I write on the back of my notebooks. How many characters I can flesh out. How many distant lands I can imagine. How many stand alone heroines who finally find the family they dream about. And just how many can I finish and then decide never to share.

Maybe I'll Just Make This Blog About My Anger

I don't get mad. Usually. People are nice, the ones who are less nice I stay away from. I don't have that many friends, because I'd rather have a small group of close friends than people who know nothing about you. But the problem with this situation, is that you usually fall in love with at least one of them. And then that person starts to love you back, and he does something he wasn't supposed to do. And something or the other happens and it's all over. Then you have to either leave all your mutual friends or get him to leave. So eventually that group of friends shrinks and disbands, like a bad K-Pop group. So besides losing some friends for the good of the group there's also the blaming and the shouting and the lecturing from the people who say they love you.

You're patient when they accuse you of things you didn't do because you owe it to them. You love them. But when you've gone four rounds of the same "You were so stupid for doing that", "I thought you were smarter than that", "That boy is the scum of the earth incarnate", in one day; it gets a bit on your nerves. And soon you find yourself actually trying to defend yourself. You find yourself actually trying to hold yourself back from screaming "If you're so high and mighty, please just kill me now with your inborn sense of justice!". And then when they start calling your best friend shit, you just see red. And you have to hold the phone away from you as you bite the palm of your hand to stop the profanities just threatening to spill out.

And you nod. And say yes. And you try and be as polite as possible. Because thats the quickest way they can cool off without you looking like a piece of garbage.

And then later, all you can do is cry out of frustration. Or just drink and drink water until the hiccups  and the sobs go away. Because really what are you crying for? They won't believe you. They don't think he's worth anything. And your sister wants to hop on a plane and get over here just to slap both of you senseless. So what's the point if they're going to do this every time, with every guy, with every person in your life. Is it too 19th century to become a spinster?

Really Darned

This is still kinda about you. We weren't doing anything, we were just sitting and listening to  rock music singing along with the lyrics. But a friend of mine from People said "As adults get older, their standards for PDA go lower." But when I think about it I was in the wrong. We were out at 6:30, I should have been at the dorm studying. People told me that I should have pushed you and all guys away and stayed with girls. They told me that I shouldn't have gotten involved with you after ex-boyfriend. Why didn't I listen to them? 


I'm an idiot. That's why.


I'm a stupid selfish person. When you do something, always know that you're not the only one affected. Know that there is always a consequence to whatever small thing you do. I hurt my mother by consorting with you. And I hate myself that I made her cry, that I made her lose faith in me, that I was a bad daughter. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can be as close a friend anymore to you. I am sorry but I hurt too many people with what I stupidly did.

Ducky

Yes, this is about you. Sometime ago, my heart was a dark and desolate place for me. I couldn't look into a  mirror without thinking that I was really ugly. That I had no dreams for myself, that things would be better if I just didn't care about other people or what they thought about me. But I couldn't get out of being friends with you, you were too nice and sweet for your own good.

So I took what you had to give. I thought that what I was doing was ok for me. And for a while it was. I was happy that someone had my back, that someone wold care if I tripped and fell on my ass. But you weren't happy, you had emotions that were bottled up from years and years of disappointments. In the end I had to be the one to stop you from overdoing it. I had to stop you from going too deep into that dark place in your mind. I had to stop you from breaking what we had or what I thought we had.

In the end I got scared. Of you, of what I thought of you and of myself. I turned out to be a mean heartless thing. Because I couldn't reciprocate right. I couldn't make you happy. Or you didn't let me. I'm sorry. I really am. If I could do it over again, I would stay the heck out of your life, so I could spare you all this. So I could die peacefully inside myself without hurting you.

Please just stop bottling it up, let go of the bad things. Think to yourself, "why the heck am I letting this weigh me down?". Ducky I was fucked up, and I think you were too.

So maybe when we're less fucked up, we can be friends again. Real friends.

I want my ducky back.

In Exchange

So I got asked out to prom by ex-boyfriend. Turns out People who will not be named did not approve of ex-boyfriend. So she slapped me in the face. I was like "What was that for!?!". And she was all like "Slap".

So eventually I was pinned down and being slapped in the face. I tried to duck and at least evade the hits. And that's when I made contact with concrete table. I heard a distinct "thunk". I wish I could say I saw my life flash before my eyes, or maybe that I started thinking profound life changing thoughts. I didn't I was just thinking "OWWW, my head!".

So then she was all like "Oh dear, I'm so sorry! What's your name! What year is it! What's my name!" And then she was giggling and holding a cold water bottle against my forehead. "Scream my name" Hehehe.

And I was all "Why are you laughing? I just got hit in the head!" 

And then she was all like "OMG. Did it make you change accents too? You know if you end up married to (ex-boyfriend) you'll have his babies and they'll all talk like him." Hehehe.

So I whacked her on the back of the head and said "I'd teach them to talk like me!" He had a voice that was slow and deep. I didn't want kids to have it!

"In a relationship there's always a reacher and a settler. Do you want to be the settler?" she asked me.

"Well, I like him too much to care about that." Yes a declaration of love coming from a girl who got bonked on the head. " So I got hit in the head so that you could allow me to go to prom with him?"

"Pretty much. Didn't plan it though. Have fun at prom!"

Feeling Confused

So ex-boyfriend talked to me today. He got a brain ache because of some of his TORMENTORS (they're really called that) suggestions for his project. I thought he was sick so I wanted him to maybe get some rest instead of walking around the campus. Turns out he had something special planned but a bunch of lower years ruined it for him. So he said he'd make it really simple. He asked me to prom. 

We just kept on walking our old route from when we were still going out with each other. I thought that maybe he'd at least stop walking and look me in the eyes when he asked but he didn't, not even a smile. So I thought that maybe he was just a bit shy or that he felt stupid. So I made the topic change back to his TORMENTORS, we continued talking and walking, and walking and talking. Still no smile. I know I'm not that funny, but really can anyone be that melancholy?

I'm happy that he asked me, and I've been waiting for him to ask me for a while, but then to be asked that way. It just hurts a bit. But I'll let it slide for now, he's just too cute in that "I don't think I'm saying this right" way.

So I'm prepared to make prom a fun night, even if he is a bit much.

My First Tantrum (I Think)

I'm a bit old to be having a tantrum, but when you need to explode you just let it run it's course. So today my family reported that my dog died. I was stunned. I wanted to write an entry about her, but I just couldn't bring myself to type. She was so young! So I was searching sad faces to put up to try and signify my undying sorrow. Moments after the first picture showed up my cousin came to get me. She wanted to go to the cafeteria and "eat", but being the mourning dog owner, I couldn't bring myself to even care. She ended up dragging me outside, I wouldn't even stand up. Eventually a friend had to help carry my uncooperative body out. 

Outside who do I find? My doggie's ghost? NO! Then who? Yes it is ex-boyfriend. We broke up a year ago, but we got back to the friend stage again. So I'm sitting there on the ground and he's standing there staring and laughing at me. My cousin didn't seem to see the need for me to at least be emotionally sane for this little meeting. So I did the only adult thing possible. I ran back into the building.


My cousin and my "friend" blocked the door, so I did the next possible adult thing. Run to the rear entrance. And yes ex-boyfriend was there. He wanted to go for a walk and "talk". So I did the next to the next most adult thing, run away again this time to the front entrance. He asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He didn't follow me into the building. Good for him.


I'm strange when I get mad and depressed. I end up hitting inanimate objects and then cry over the fact that I wish I could hit people. So when I'm depressed I end up keeping myself in solitude.


So I ended up lying on the couch in the lobby, when a text message comes through. It wasn't my dog it was my sister's dog. Mean of me to say this but I was overjoyed. So then I had to text ex-boyfriend about how sorry I was for acting like a child. Needless to say I feel better now that I know my dog is safe and alive and wagging.

Ex-boyfriend replied with an "It's ok :)" message.

Intro For Both Me And You

So I'm new to the whole blog craze going around the web. I don't read many blogs nor do I know many good ones. I just felt that maybe here I could be as crazy as I want or as dull as I want whenever and however I want to be. Not many people get that luxury. So People {humans unknown to many} told me to review some of the books I have read so far. It sounded like a good idea at first, but its going to be a bit hard trying to review each of the books on my shelf. I'm an avid reader and a wannabe author. The best thing I have written so far has been a short story about a cat. And the rest of my work just flowed from there. 

Almost all of my work centers around an animal. Maybe I'll start taking suggestions for which animals I write about next. I'll try and post some of my stories here, maybe I can get some feed back.

Emotions really do feed your will to write. Yes, I'm a fool in love.