There will come a day where the children of our children's children can do nothing but watch as the world they live in drowns in the floodwaters of our time and anything left dry and unsubmerged burns in the noon day sun. And the night will not bring the cool breezes of the sea but rather the mournful sounds of the people who chose not to believe. And those children left to laugh and play and be children will have nothing else to see but the smog-gray sky over the flat expanse of burning water.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Day Two Of Scary Writing In My Head
Maybe one day I'll compile all of these notes to myself and donate it to a library.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Creepy Stuff
The creepiest thing happened to me yesterday morning. I woke up at 6 AM, got up and went to take a shower. That's not the creepy part, the creepy part is that the moment I got out of bed I started reciting poetry. And I couldn't stop. The words rhymed and I couldn't stop until the first stanza was done. I could that there was more.
Taking a shower, ticking off on the mental to-do list when the second stanza comes pouring out. And again I can't cut myself off. The poem is getting darker and darker and I'm just hoping that the poem will end.
I recite the last stanza loud enough to wake my room mate. When it's finally over, the poem edits itself. It changes the last line from Wake no more to Forever more.
Taking a shower, ticking off on the mental to-do list when the second stanza comes pouring out. And again I can't cut myself off. The poem is getting darker and darker and I'm just hoping that the poem will end.
I recite the last stanza loud enough to wake my room mate. When it's finally over, the poem edits itself. It changes the last line from Wake no more to Forever more.
Little one little one,
Please cry no more.
You are safe here.
Your eyes on the door.
Your back to the wall.
Your feet on the floor.
Little one little one,
Please cry no more.
Little one little one,
Please sigh no more.
You are happy here.
Your hand on the door.
Your face to the ground.
Your back to the whip.
Little one little one,
Please sigh no more.
Little one little one
Please wake no more
You will stay here.
Your hands by your side.
Your back to the spread.
Your eyes to the night.
Little one little one,
Forever more.
-The WhispererI searched it online. It doesn't exist. So either I wrote it without me knowing it or.....
Monday, September 17, 2012
Wow I'm Old
It's been a while my little blog. I've missed you. Of course I only get on this blog when I'm getting melancholy or angry so it's pretty good that I haven't been seeing your cursor fly off on the screen in a while. So hey. Let's get on with the blogging.
I'm in college, didn't think I had it in me. I have been taking my classes and I have been doing okay. I don't know what I was expecting though. Well I do, I was expecting my life to be awesome for everyone to be awesome. I was expecting something better than what I have right now.
When I started college I had a boyfriend and an adoptive cousin and a plan to make it big.
My boyfriend now spends more time with his org and at his tambayan than he does with me. I don't know if I even have the right to ask him for more time. And I know it's no use asking him to change or to choose, because what's the point of getting into a relationship if you're going to ask them to change. I like the way he is, was, because the org is now a part of him. A part I can't change.
My cousin will and always be a jerk. He's getting nicer, I think having friends who are meaner than him is making him nicer. He has no idea. I try and I try and he has no idea how hard he's hurting me. And I know I should stop expecting anything else from him. But we've known each other for thirteen years, you think that that changes something. That knowing and being with someone makes you special. Maybe it does. But I'm not special to him. And maybe that's all we want in life, to be special, different from all others. But I'm not special, not to him. To the only person I could possibly hope to be special to, thank you for putting up with me. I know I'm not special but thank you for putting up with me, even if to you I'm just like any other person.
Life is the same.
I fainted in church the other day. I started getting short of breath and thought I was having an asthma attack. I got a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach that stopped me from singing the hymns. I started getting dizzy and couldn't stand when Father asked me to. I couldn't get in line for communion from the blood rushing in my ears. I stumbled my way to the bathroom outside hoping that air would help me, the lack of hearing made me retreat back inside, back to my pew and my family. Each step made my eyesight flicker, it was like watching tv with no cable, the way everything blurred and how it would go black every other second. I remember making acquaintances with a cool concrete wall at one point of my stumbling back. I saw my pew and hobbled past my cousins. I remember being carried into the car and people urging me to keep my feet up and my back straight. It was so cold, I know that's cheesy, but that's all I can remember. The voices were so far away and I was so cold and my fingers and didn't bend because it was cold.
And that is how I first found out what it would be like to be afraid for your life. And I may be anemic.
That will be all.
I'm in college, didn't think I had it in me. I have been taking my classes and I have been doing okay. I don't know what I was expecting though. Well I do, I was expecting my life to be awesome for everyone to be awesome. I was expecting something better than what I have right now.
When I started college I had a boyfriend and an adoptive cousin and a plan to make it big.
My boyfriend now spends more time with his org and at his tambayan than he does with me. I don't know if I even have the right to ask him for more time. And I know it's no use asking him to change or to choose, because what's the point of getting into a relationship if you're going to ask them to change. I like the way he is, was, because the org is now a part of him. A part I can't change.
My cousin will and always be a jerk. He's getting nicer, I think having friends who are meaner than him is making him nicer. He has no idea. I try and I try and he has no idea how hard he's hurting me. And I know I should stop expecting anything else from him. But we've known each other for thirteen years, you think that that changes something. That knowing and being with someone makes you special. Maybe it does. But I'm not special to him. And maybe that's all we want in life, to be special, different from all others. But I'm not special, not to him. To the only person I could possibly hope to be special to, thank you for putting up with me. I know I'm not special but thank you for putting up with me, even if to you I'm just like any other person.
Life is the same.
I fainted in church the other day. I started getting short of breath and thought I was having an asthma attack. I got a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach that stopped me from singing the hymns. I started getting dizzy and couldn't stand when Father asked me to. I couldn't get in line for communion from the blood rushing in my ears. I stumbled my way to the bathroom outside hoping that air would help me, the lack of hearing made me retreat back inside, back to my pew and my family. Each step made my eyesight flicker, it was like watching tv with no cable, the way everything blurred and how it would go black every other second. I remember making acquaintances with a cool concrete wall at one point of my stumbling back. I saw my pew and hobbled past my cousins. I remember being carried into the car and people urging me to keep my feet up and my back straight. It was so cold, I know that's cheesy, but that's all I can remember. The voices were so far away and I was so cold and my fingers and didn't bend because it was cold.
And that is how I first found out what it would be like to be afraid for your life. And I may be anemic.
That will be all.
Just Kinda Sad Right Now
It's a bit hard being me, compared to other people I've got it easy. I've never starved. I've never lost a limb. I've never been terminally ill. I've never done drugs. I've never been physically abused.
But I've been emotionally and mentally unstable for a long time. It's a self-diagnosis so maybe I'm just depressed. I followed my dream and look where it got me. I just have this weird tendency to keep to myself. I like it that way. It's quiet. You don't have to know how to interact. You don't have to pretend that you're not hungry, that you're not sad, that you're not sick, that you're not really crying.
But it's hard sometimes, my normal behavior isn't "normal". It's not normal to want to just read and be alone in my room. It's not normal to be scared of the dark. It's not normal to have an imagination that plays the absolute worst situation whenever you feel sad. It's not normal to be so moody. It's not normal to have headaches every other day and no amount of aspirin makes them go away.
Man I'm whiny.
But I've been emotionally and mentally unstable for a long time. It's a self-diagnosis so maybe I'm just depressed. I followed my dream and look where it got me. I just have this weird tendency to keep to myself. I like it that way. It's quiet. You don't have to know how to interact. You don't have to pretend that you're not hungry, that you're not sad, that you're not sick, that you're not really crying.
But it's hard sometimes, my normal behavior isn't "normal". It's not normal to want to just read and be alone in my room. It's not normal to be scared of the dark. It's not normal to have an imagination that plays the absolute worst situation whenever you feel sad. It's not normal to be so moody. It's not normal to have headaches every other day and no amount of aspirin makes them go away.
Man I'm whiny.
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