Llamas

So today I had to wake up super early and go to school to get me some classes. Enlisting in those classes though is hard, like butt-wipe hard.

But before I could go and experience this butt-wipe hard enlisting I had to settle my accountabilities. I actually only had one but they wanted a lot of things before that. It's because I don't have a Philippine issued birth certificate, so I have all these papers that say I am a Filipino and yes I exist. So I popped right on down to the Office of Admissions and showed them my "I Exist Therefore I Can Enroll Certificate" and poof I was eligible.

After that I had to go line up at the Biology Pavilion because ta-dee-fucking-dah I didn't have a major ergo I needed to get one. So there I am walking, it's a beautiful day and I'm minding my own business already composing a mental to-do list. It was still really early though so no one else was walking with me on that sidewalk, just me and a bunch of illegally parked cars. I'm walking and I see one of the empty cars has its window way open so immediately I think "poor guy's gonna get robbed". But I keep walking and when I pass the car, I see out of my peripheral vision that there's a man in the car. He was lying down and masturbating.

He was masturbating.

In an untinted car.

With the window open.

On school campus.

And because I have no idea what the potatoes I was supposed to do I just kept on walking and reached the Biology Pavilion. I think I was so shell-shocked that I had to look around and only then did I realize I was already where I wanted to go. Then because I was scarred for life my brain supplied encouraging thoughts.

The building is named LLAMAS HALL. Like llamas, llamas. I then spent the next two minutes laughing about llamas.

Day Two Of Scary Writing In My Head

Maybe one day I'll compile all of these notes to myself and donate it to a library.

There will come a day where the children of our children's children can do nothing but watch as the world they live in drowns in the floodwaters of our time and anything left dry and unsubmerged burns in the noon day sun. And the night will not bring the cool breezes of the sea but rather the mournful sounds of the people who chose not to believe. And those children left to laugh and play and be children will have nothing else to see but the smog-gray sky over the flat expanse of burning water.

Creepy Stuff

The creepiest thing happened to me yesterday morning. I woke up at 6 AM, got up and went to take a shower. That's not the creepy part, the creepy part is that the moment I got out of bed I started reciting poetry. And I couldn't stop. The words rhymed and I couldn't stop until the first stanza was done. I could that there was more.

Taking a shower, ticking off on the mental to-do list when the second stanza comes pouring out. And again I can't cut myself off. The poem is getting darker and darker and I'm just hoping that the poem will end.

I recite the last stanza loud enough to wake my room mate. When it's finally over, the poem edits itself. It changes the last line from Wake no more to Forever more.

Little one little one,
Please cry no more.
You are safe here.
Your eyes on the door.
Your back to the wall.
Your feet on the floor.
Little one little one,
Please cry no more.

Little one little one,
Please sigh no more.
You are happy here.
Your hand on the door.
Your face to the ground.
Your back to the whip.
Little one little one,
Please sigh no more.

Little one little one
Please wake no more
You will stay here.
Your hands by your side.
Your back to the spread.
Your eyes to the night.
Little one little one,
Forever more.

-The Whisperer 

I searched it online. It doesn't exist. So either I wrote it without me knowing it or.....

 

Wow I'm Old

It's been a while my little blog. I've missed you. Of course I only get on this blog when I'm getting melancholy   or angry so it's pretty good that I haven't been seeing your cursor fly off on the screen in a while. So hey. Let's get on with the blogging.

I'm in college, didn't think I had it in me. I have been taking my classes and I have been doing okay. I don't know what I was expecting though. Well I do, I was expecting my life to be awesome for everyone to be awesome. I was expecting something better than what I have right now.

When I started college I had a boyfriend and an adoptive cousin and a plan to make it big.

My boyfriend now spends more time with his org and at his tambayan than he does with me. I don't know if I even have the right to ask him for more time. And I know it's no use asking him to change or to choose, because what's the point of getting into a relationship if you're going to ask them to change. I like the way he is, was, because the org is now a part of him. A part I can't change.

My cousin will and always be a jerk. He's getting nicer, I think having friends who are meaner than him is making him nicer. He has no idea. I try and I try and he has no idea how hard he's hurting me. And I know I should stop expecting anything else from him. But we've known each other for thirteen years, you think that that changes something. That knowing and being with someone makes you special. Maybe it does. But I'm not special to him. And maybe that's all we want in life, to be special, different from all others. But I'm not special, not to him. To the only person I could possibly hope to be special to, thank you for putting up with me. I know I'm not special but thank you for putting up with me, even if to you I'm just like any other person.

Life is the same.

I fainted in church the other day. I started getting short of breath and thought I was having an asthma attack. I got a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach that stopped me from singing the hymns. I started getting dizzy and couldn't stand when Father asked me to. I couldn't get in line for communion from the blood rushing in my ears. I stumbled my way to the bathroom outside hoping that air would help me, the lack of hearing made me retreat back inside, back to my pew and my family. Each step made my eyesight flicker, it was like watching tv with no cable, the way everything blurred and how it would go black every other second. I remember making acquaintances with a cool concrete wall at one point of my stumbling back. I saw my pew and hobbled past my cousins. I remember being carried into the car and people urging me to keep my feet up and my back straight. It was so cold, I know that's cheesy, but that's all I can remember. The voices were so far away and I was so cold and my fingers and didn't bend because it was cold.

And that is how I first found out what it would be like to be afraid for your life. And I may be anemic.

That will be all.

Just Kinda Sad Right Now

It's a bit hard being me, compared to other people I've got it easy. I've never starved. I've never lost a limb. I've never been terminally ill. I've never done drugs. I've never been physically abused.

But I've been emotionally and mentally unstable for a long time. It's a self-diagnosis so maybe I'm just depressed. I followed my dream and look where it got me. I just have this weird tendency to keep to myself. I like it that way. It's quiet. You don't have to know how to interact. You don't have to pretend that you're not hungry, that you're not sad, that you're not sick, that you're not really crying.

But it's hard sometimes, my normal behavior isn't "normal". It's not normal to want to just read and be alone in my room. It's not normal to be scared of the dark. It's not normal to have an imagination that plays the absolute worst situation whenever you feel sad. It's not normal to be so moody. It's not normal to have headaches every other day and no amount of aspirin makes them go away.

Man I'm whiny.

What Happens When the Party's Over?

Well tonight was grad ball. And I am glad to say I looked smashing :). But it has come and gone and I feel content. In a few days I'll experience the increased sadness that will come from graduating high school. I don't know what to feel. But maybe I can find out after writing a bit more about my night.

It was fun, people were there and we loved the food and the place and well the presentations were nice. Everyone was clamoring for a grad pic or a message on their handy dandy CD cases. I really wish I had more than one dance with ex-boyfriend though, I wanted to keep talking. The feel of his hand was different and his voice not what I remembered. His eyes and face had changed. He was not the boy I remembered. But it's good that way, knowing that the boy I knew and broke my heart over doesn't exist anymore. And as soon as I went to find Ducky after that I knew I had what was right for me right there. Ducky is what makes me HAPPY.

I got lots of creative pics :D. So proud of myself. And a friend of mine almost got a seizure from all the flashing lights but over all it was a fun night.

I know what I'm feeling now. I really wanted that night to last longer. But everyone must feel that way. Last moments should always be longer.

A Bit More

Well I haven't had a proper time me time in what feels like months. It's so difficult to not just go and do what I want. But then there's so little I want to do that I actually have to come back just for something to do. I have so few wants in my life. I should fix that probably :)).

But I am content. Tomorrow I am gonna have me some cake. So yeah I'm getting some me time :)

Stupid Imaginary Conversations

I've just read something from two to three years ago. I never knew that's what was happening to you. I never knew because I never really went beyond my phone and its capabilities. I chose to kept my life as simple as possible, so I never knew what you were saying, wishing, or hoping for. You weren't all that brave. You started it, ended it, and snatched whatever wholeness I had around a year ago. And you wished you could take it all back, but you didn't.

You didn't.

And now I'm happier, as whole as I can be after everything. It's strange for me to have you two talking about me behind my back, but I can't control him, he has the right to do what he wants. And yet I can't help but still think about it, and I don't think it's ever gonna go away. Not until I get used to you again as my best friend.

You were one of my best friends. And yeah four out of five isn't as fun.

And as your best friend I will always wish for your happiness. Always. And you will probably be my biggest what if.

And because you or anybody else is ever gonna find this, I just wanted to say that I missed you everyday you didn't put things right. And that if I was raised to be American, I would chase after you, even after all that, just to hear you tell me you love me again.

This is retarded

What If....

What if the one that got away

Came back....

--------FUDGE YOU TUMBLR -_-

My Feet Still Hurt

I heard the rumors again and again. They were all bad. But last night was actually much better than what we could ever do last year. It was a long night of fun. I loved it. I wore a pretty dress, you were looking more dapper and handsome than usual. You picked me up and brought me home. You chose out a lovely corsage. You also hit me in the face with a rose. Twice. But I forgive you. I love you too much to hold grudges on a night like that. You also spilled water on me while dancing the macarena but you apologized and I got dry. You're cute when you're begging for forgiveness XD. 

But what was weird last night was him. You and him talk a lot so it seems. I think I am disturbed by that. But I'm most disturbed as to why he seems to be trying to patch things up with me even though I have you.

I Take It Back

Today a guy acquaintance of mine called me ugly. Just flat out told me I was ugly. "You're ugly". The last guy who called me ugly, sad that it's happened more than once, well I punched him then started crying. And that's what I did the second time around. Cried in sadness, frustration and irritation. I allow myself to call myself ugly, then sweep away all the insults I give myself  under the rug. 'Enough self pity little girl, the world is rooting for you'. But to have your biggest insecurity confirmed and announced to a table of your friends, it just makes makes me have one more reason to hurt myself. But I would never end my life or hurt myself for that matter. Life, when you get rid of all the assholes, is pretty nice.

But then his friend just had to add "Well you know what they say, the truth hurts.". I just lashed out, I screamed in his face grabbed my backpack and walked as calmly as I could away from that part of my life. If I don't have to see those two ever again I am positive I'll lead a happier life.

I hope my fever doesn't come back. I hate my fever.

Well This Is Awkward

It seems that I am in a completely new place. Everyone's happy, everyone is well, what I wanted them to be. Happy. But now that people pair up like this I know it's only natural for them to lose dependency on me. It's akin to watching your children grow and leave. But I'm happy, they're happy. We get together less, I get ditched more often. But it's nice to see the smiles they get when they're happy.

What is the point of your needs when the people you love are happy?

And now all I can do is be happy. Because that's what I want to be. Happy.