Really Darned

This is still kinda about you. We weren't doing anything, we were just sitting and listening to  rock music singing along with the lyrics. But a friend of mine from People said "As adults get older, their standards for PDA go lower." But when I think about it I was in the wrong. We were out at 6:30, I should have been at the dorm studying. People told me that I should have pushed you and all guys away and stayed with girls. They told me that I shouldn't have gotten involved with you after ex-boyfriend. Why didn't I listen to them? 


I'm an idiot. That's why.


I'm a stupid selfish person. When you do something, always know that you're not the only one affected. Know that there is always a consequence to whatever small thing you do. I hurt my mother by consorting with you. And I hate myself that I made her cry, that I made her lose faith in me, that I was a bad daughter. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can be as close a friend anymore to you. I am sorry but I hurt too many people with what I stupidly did.

Ducky

Yes, this is about you. Sometime ago, my heart was a dark and desolate place for me. I couldn't look into a  mirror without thinking that I was really ugly. That I had no dreams for myself, that things would be better if I just didn't care about other people or what they thought about me. But I couldn't get out of being friends with you, you were too nice and sweet for your own good.

So I took what you had to give. I thought that what I was doing was ok for me. And for a while it was. I was happy that someone had my back, that someone wold care if I tripped and fell on my ass. But you weren't happy, you had emotions that were bottled up from years and years of disappointments. In the end I had to be the one to stop you from overdoing it. I had to stop you from going too deep into that dark place in your mind. I had to stop you from breaking what we had or what I thought we had.

In the end I got scared. Of you, of what I thought of you and of myself. I turned out to be a mean heartless thing. Because I couldn't reciprocate right. I couldn't make you happy. Or you didn't let me. I'm sorry. I really am. If I could do it over again, I would stay the heck out of your life, so I could spare you all this. So I could die peacefully inside myself without hurting you.

Please just stop bottling it up, let go of the bad things. Think to yourself, "why the heck am I letting this weigh me down?". Ducky I was fucked up, and I think you were too.

So maybe when we're less fucked up, we can be friends again. Real friends.

I want my ducky back.

In Exchange

So I got asked out to prom by ex-boyfriend. Turns out People who will not be named did not approve of ex-boyfriend. So she slapped me in the face. I was like "What was that for!?!". And she was all like "Slap".

So eventually I was pinned down and being slapped in the face. I tried to duck and at least evade the hits. And that's when I made contact with concrete table. I heard a distinct "thunk". I wish I could say I saw my life flash before my eyes, or maybe that I started thinking profound life changing thoughts. I didn't I was just thinking "OWWW, my head!".

So then she was all like "Oh dear, I'm so sorry! What's your name! What year is it! What's my name!" And then she was giggling and holding a cold water bottle against my forehead. "Scream my name" Hehehe.

And I was all "Why are you laughing? I just got hit in the head!" 

And then she was all like "OMG. Did it make you change accents too? You know if you end up married to (ex-boyfriend) you'll have his babies and they'll all talk like him." Hehehe.

So I whacked her on the back of the head and said "I'd teach them to talk like me!" He had a voice that was slow and deep. I didn't want kids to have it!

"In a relationship there's always a reacher and a settler. Do you want to be the settler?" she asked me.

"Well, I like him too much to care about that." Yes a declaration of love coming from a girl who got bonked on the head. " So I got hit in the head so that you could allow me to go to prom with him?"

"Pretty much. Didn't plan it though. Have fun at prom!"

Feeling Confused

So ex-boyfriend talked to me today. He got a brain ache because of some of his TORMENTORS (they're really called that) suggestions for his project. I thought he was sick so I wanted him to maybe get some rest instead of walking around the campus. Turns out he had something special planned but a bunch of lower years ruined it for him. So he said he'd make it really simple. He asked me to prom. 

We just kept on walking our old route from when we were still going out with each other. I thought that maybe he'd at least stop walking and look me in the eyes when he asked but he didn't, not even a smile. So I thought that maybe he was just a bit shy or that he felt stupid. So I made the topic change back to his TORMENTORS, we continued talking and walking, and walking and talking. Still no smile. I know I'm not that funny, but really can anyone be that melancholy?

I'm happy that he asked me, and I've been waiting for him to ask me for a while, but then to be asked that way. It just hurts a bit. But I'll let it slide for now, he's just too cute in that "I don't think I'm saying this right" way.

So I'm prepared to make prom a fun night, even if he is a bit much.

My First Tantrum (I Think)

I'm a bit old to be having a tantrum, but when you need to explode you just let it run it's course. So today my family reported that my dog died. I was stunned. I wanted to write an entry about her, but I just couldn't bring myself to type. She was so young! So I was searching sad faces to put up to try and signify my undying sorrow. Moments after the first picture showed up my cousin came to get me. She wanted to go to the cafeteria and "eat", but being the mourning dog owner, I couldn't bring myself to even care. She ended up dragging me outside, I wouldn't even stand up. Eventually a friend had to help carry my uncooperative body out. 

Outside who do I find? My doggie's ghost? NO! Then who? Yes it is ex-boyfriend. We broke up a year ago, but we got back to the friend stage again. So I'm sitting there on the ground and he's standing there staring and laughing at me. My cousin didn't seem to see the need for me to at least be emotionally sane for this little meeting. So I did the only adult thing possible. I ran back into the building.


My cousin and my "friend" blocked the door, so I did the next possible adult thing. Run to the rear entrance. And yes ex-boyfriend was there. He wanted to go for a walk and "talk". So I did the next to the next most adult thing, run away again this time to the front entrance. He asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He didn't follow me into the building. Good for him.


I'm strange when I get mad and depressed. I end up hitting inanimate objects and then cry over the fact that I wish I could hit people. So when I'm depressed I end up keeping myself in solitude.


So I ended up lying on the couch in the lobby, when a text message comes through. It wasn't my dog it was my sister's dog. Mean of me to say this but I was overjoyed. So then I had to text ex-boyfriend about how sorry I was for acting like a child. Needless to say I feel better now that I know my dog is safe and alive and wagging.

Ex-boyfriend replied with an "It's ok :)" message.