It's been a while my little blog. I've missed you. Of course I only get on this blog when I'm getting melancholy or angry so it's pretty good that I haven't been seeing your cursor fly off on the screen in a while. So hey. Let's get on with the blogging.
I'm in college, didn't think I had it in me. I have been taking my classes and I have been doing okay. I don't know what I was expecting though. Well I do, I was expecting my life to be awesome for everyone to be awesome. I was expecting something better than what I have right now.
When I started college I had a boyfriend and an adoptive cousin and a plan to make it big.
My boyfriend now spends more time with his org and at his tambayan than he does with me. I don't know if I even have the right to ask him for more time. And I know it's no use asking him to change or to choose, because what's the point of getting into a relationship if you're going to ask them to change. I like the way he is, was, because the org is now a part of him. A part I can't change.
My cousin will and always be a jerk. He's getting nicer, I think having friends who are meaner than him is making him nicer. He has no idea. I try and I try and he has no idea how hard he's hurting me. And I know I should stop expecting anything else from him. But we've known each other for thirteen years, you think that that changes something. That knowing and being with someone makes you special. Maybe it does. But I'm not special to him. And maybe that's all we want in life, to be special, different from all others. But I'm not special, not to him. To the only person I could possibly hope to be special to, thank you for putting up with me. I know I'm not special but thank you for putting up with me, even if to you I'm just like any other person.
Life is the same.
I fainted in church the other day. I started getting short of breath and thought I was having an asthma attack. I got a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach that stopped me from singing the hymns. I started getting dizzy and couldn't stand when Father asked me to. I couldn't get in line for communion from the blood rushing in my ears. I stumbled my way to the bathroom outside hoping that air would help me, the lack of hearing made me retreat back inside, back to my pew and my family. Each step made my eyesight flicker, it was like watching tv with no cable, the way everything blurred and how it would go black every other second. I remember making acquaintances with a cool concrete wall at one point of my stumbling back. I saw my pew and hobbled past my cousins. I remember being carried into the car and people urging me to keep my feet up and my back straight. It was so cold, I know that's cheesy, but that's all I can remember. The voices were so far away and I was so cold and my fingers and didn't bend because it was cold.
And that is how I first found out what it would be like to be afraid for your life. And I may be anemic.
That will be all.
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