Wow I'm Old

It's been a while my little blog. I've missed you. Of course I only get on this blog when I'm getting melancholy   or angry so it's pretty good that I haven't been seeing your cursor fly off on the screen in a while. So hey. Let's get on with the blogging.

I'm in college, didn't think I had it in me. I have been taking my classes and I have been doing okay. I don't know what I was expecting though. Well I do, I was expecting my life to be awesome for everyone to be awesome. I was expecting something better than what I have right now.

When I started college I had a boyfriend and an adoptive cousin and a plan to make it big.

My boyfriend now spends more time with his org and at his tambayan than he does with me. I don't know if I even have the right to ask him for more time. And I know it's no use asking him to change or to choose, because what's the point of getting into a relationship if you're going to ask them to change. I like the way he is, was, because the org is now a part of him. A part I can't change.

My cousin will and always be a jerk. He's getting nicer, I think having friends who are meaner than him is making him nicer. He has no idea. I try and I try and he has no idea how hard he's hurting me. And I know I should stop expecting anything else from him. But we've known each other for thirteen years, you think that that changes something. That knowing and being with someone makes you special. Maybe it does. But I'm not special to him. And maybe that's all we want in life, to be special, different from all others. But I'm not special, not to him. To the only person I could possibly hope to be special to, thank you for putting up with me. I know I'm not special but thank you for putting up with me, even if to you I'm just like any other person.

Life is the same.

I fainted in church the other day. I started getting short of breath and thought I was having an asthma attack. I got a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach that stopped me from singing the hymns. I started getting dizzy and couldn't stand when Father asked me to. I couldn't get in line for communion from the blood rushing in my ears. I stumbled my way to the bathroom outside hoping that air would help me, the lack of hearing made me retreat back inside, back to my pew and my family. Each step made my eyesight flicker, it was like watching tv with no cable, the way everything blurred and how it would go black every other second. I remember making acquaintances with a cool concrete wall at one point of my stumbling back. I saw my pew and hobbled past my cousins. I remember being carried into the car and people urging me to keep my feet up and my back straight. It was so cold, I know that's cheesy, but that's all I can remember. The voices were so far away and I was so cold and my fingers and didn't bend because it was cold.

And that is how I first found out what it would be like to be afraid for your life. And I may be anemic.

That will be all.

Just Kinda Sad Right Now

It's a bit hard being me, compared to other people I've got it easy. I've never starved. I've never lost a limb. I've never been terminally ill. I've never done drugs. I've never been physically abused.

But I've been emotionally and mentally unstable for a long time. It's a self-diagnosis so maybe I'm just depressed. I followed my dream and look where it got me. I just have this weird tendency to keep to myself. I like it that way. It's quiet. You don't have to know how to interact. You don't have to pretend that you're not hungry, that you're not sad, that you're not sick, that you're not really crying.

But it's hard sometimes, my normal behavior isn't "normal". It's not normal to want to just read and be alone in my room. It's not normal to be scared of the dark. It's not normal to have an imagination that plays the absolute worst situation whenever you feel sad. It's not normal to be so moody. It's not normal to have headaches every other day and no amount of aspirin makes them go away.

Man I'm whiny.

What Happens When the Party's Over?

Well tonight was grad ball. And I am glad to say I looked smashing :). But it has come and gone and I feel content. In a few days I'll experience the increased sadness that will come from graduating high school. I don't know what to feel. But maybe I can find out after writing a bit more about my night.

It was fun, people were there and we loved the food and the place and well the presentations were nice. Everyone was clamoring for a grad pic or a message on their handy dandy CD cases. I really wish I had more than one dance with ex-boyfriend though, I wanted to keep talking. The feel of his hand was different and his voice not what I remembered. His eyes and face had changed. He was not the boy I remembered. But it's good that way, knowing that the boy I knew and broke my heart over doesn't exist anymore. And as soon as I went to find Ducky after that I knew I had what was right for me right there. Ducky is what makes me HAPPY.

I got lots of creative pics :D. So proud of myself. And a friend of mine almost got a seizure from all the flashing lights but over all it was a fun night.

I know what I'm feeling now. I really wanted that night to last longer. But everyone must feel that way. Last moments should always be longer.

A Bit More

Well I haven't had a proper time me time in what feels like months. It's so difficult to not just go and do what I want. But then there's so little I want to do that I actually have to come back just for something to do. I have so few wants in my life. I should fix that probably :)).

But I am content. Tomorrow I am gonna have me some cake. So yeah I'm getting some me time :)

Stupid Imaginary Conversations

I've just read something from two to three years ago. I never knew that's what was happening to you. I never knew because I never really went beyond my phone and its capabilities. I chose to kept my life as simple as possible, so I never knew what you were saying, wishing, or hoping for. You weren't all that brave. You started it, ended it, and snatched whatever wholeness I had around a year ago. And you wished you could take it all back, but you didn't.

You didn't.

And now I'm happier, as whole as I can be after everything. It's strange for me to have you two talking about me behind my back, but I can't control him, he has the right to do what he wants. And yet I can't help but still think about it, and I don't think it's ever gonna go away. Not until I get used to you again as my best friend.

You were one of my best friends. And yeah four out of five isn't as fun.

And as your best friend I will always wish for your happiness. Always. And you will probably be my biggest what if.

And because you or anybody else is ever gonna find this, I just wanted to say that I missed you everyday you didn't put things right. And that if I was raised to be American, I would chase after you, even after all that, just to hear you tell me you love me again.

This is retarded

What If....

What if the one that got away

Came back....

--------FUDGE YOU TUMBLR -_-

My Feet Still Hurt

I heard the rumors again and again. They were all bad. But last night was actually much better than what we could ever do last year. It was a long night of fun. I loved it. I wore a pretty dress, you were looking more dapper and handsome than usual. You picked me up and brought me home. You chose out a lovely corsage. You also hit me in the face with a rose. Twice. But I forgive you. I love you too much to hold grudges on a night like that. You also spilled water on me while dancing the macarena but you apologized and I got dry. You're cute when you're begging for forgiveness XD. 

But what was weird last night was him. You and him talk a lot so it seems. I think I am disturbed by that. But I'm most disturbed as to why he seems to be trying to patch things up with me even though I have you.